Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Rubber Rings And A Fanny Full Of Stitches

I'll start off with this isn't going to be uber graphic post but if you don't like childbirth, blood or stitches this probably isn't the post for you.
Child birth is still one of those taboo things that's rarely spoke about, you see the odd post on social media or parenting groups but what actually happens? There's so much no one actually tells you and when it happens you either had no idea to expect it or think your dying. Buckle down kids, it's going to get real.

Society as a whole seems to skim over childbirth or you hear 'oh it was fine'. Of course you hear the horror stories and everyone's birth is different but we all have one thing in common. A watermelon is going to escape your fanny, it's going to be bloody hard work and it's going to hurt like a bitch.
When I was pregnant so many people told me it wasn't that bad, only my mother in law was truly honest with me. If  I remember correctly her words were 'once it starts, buckle up princess 'cause it really bloody hurts'; she wasn't lying. However even she forgot to mention some of the most awful parts, such as the amount of blood loss, the stitches and that bloody long walk to the car once you've been discharged.

Let's start at the beginning shall we; Childbirth itself.
It's horrendously painful. There is no right or wrong way, as long as you and your baby are good at the end of it, it seriously does not matter how they come into the world. Drugs or no drugs, c section or vaginal, do what's right for you at the time and stop letting other people make you feel bad for your choices.
Once you've pushed your bundle of joy out, sworn at the midwife (probably) and told your other half if you died it would be okay, your fanny has taken an utter battering and just when you think it's all over, you have the placenta to pop out next.
Don't get me wrong the placenta is nothing compared to a head or shoulders but it was a feeling I wasn't expecting. To be fair, I wasn't expecting it to be so bloody big or for the midwife to be tugging on the umbilical cord to get it out. It's not painful, it's just a weird feeling.

Next up I wasn't expecting was the amount of blood loss. Seriously.
You know that scene in Blade at the vampires club when blood comes out the ceiling? Yeah, that.
It goes everywhere, I was totally convinced I was dying and that there couldn't be much left in me. My midwife had to change my bed sheets twice and it just kept on coming. No one tells you that it kinda of err, pools when you lay down, so the second you sit or stand up it all comes rushing out like the rapids at Thorpe Park. Again, I thought I was dying.

Next up, you will never ever be prepared for having your fanny full of stitches. I will never forget, for as long as I live, looking down between my open legs to see my midwifes face and a massive bloody needle. She was down there so long I wasn't sure if I needed to start charging her rent. In fact, she was down there so long I got cramp in my thigh and almost kneed her in the face. I was on the gas and air during this but nothing truly prepares you for being jabbed in the fanny by a needle or stitched up like a bit of beef in the butchers. 

After all that you've been through, you'd think it'd be over right? Noppee!
Your first wee. Now, no one will tell you this but your first wee has to be measured for whatever reason. So you waddle to the bathroom leaving a trail of blood behind you to pee into a cardboard pot. Now, nothing will prepare you for the pain of this pee, nor will anything prepare you for the fact it will look like pure blood. While as time goes on, the blood does subside it takes weeks for the painful pee to get better. It's so bad, it will almost wish you were still in labour.

I was rather lucky and was discharged from hospital just 7 hours after I gave birth. Getting dressed and the demoralising feeling of that humongous sanitary pad that feels like a nappy is just the icing on the cake of what is a rather emotional day. However, that walk to the car feels like your trying to walk a marathon and when you go to sit down, your secretly grateful for the sanitary pad of nightmares. You can totally see why some women opt to sit on a rubber ring, I had pillows to sit on everywhere for the first two weeks, even in the car! 

The next few weeks, things do get better. The day after sucks mind, muscles you didn't even know existed hurt, your shattered and your on the start of the most horrific period that lasts a good three weeks. 
Now after all you've been through, the next day you'll have to head back to hospital to get your baby checked over, unless your kept in for whatever reason but as I was let go the same day, I had to make a return journey. Some women have to get their stitches checked etc (I didn't so I can't comment on this) but that's another insult to injury right there. You will also get told to check your stitches. Now, I haven't spent much time gandering at my lady garden over the years but let me tell you, seeing your mangled minge full of stitches certainly isn't an image you'll forget in a hurry.

I won't even go into detail about the period that follows childbirth, lets just say your not dying, yes it's normal, no that is a clot not a child you didn't know about and yes it will end.

You can read about my birth story here - My Birth Story and you can read about my labour from my husbands point of view here - The Birth Story From The Dads Point Of View

Until next time,



  1. Against my better judgment I read this post. I really want a child, but my god, I'm really not sure I want to go through this! Haha. Men don't know just how bloody good they've got it, do they?! Thanks for sharing this, though. I do think childbirth, the reality of it, just isn't talked about enough. I'd much rather know what horrible things lie in store for me, than be left thinking "oh my god, is this normal?!" x x

  2. Hi Becca,

    I have nominated you for a Bloggers Recognition Award!
    Please follow the link to view the rules of the nomination.

  3. Omg this is bloody brilliant! You need to write a book! I HATED the period part! No one warned me of over do it the clots etc. Josie I couldn't feel placenta or anything as had to be ready for c section incase as she was stuck, but she did come out in the end. Rowan I actually felt him coming out which was weird and scarred Ant. He nearly fainted when the head appeared. Then the placenta! Omg was the weirdest thing. As I read this post I have the same effect men do when hit in the genitals. The ouch face as you totally understand the pain lol!

    Stacey xxx


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